The Moan Post

It's been such a bore these last couple of weeks.  I honestly feel like eating because I'm bored. It's not that my days are boring but I miss sugar on my taste buds!  Nothing quite satisfies at the moment the way a good and tasty dose of sugar used to.  I feel like I'm going through the motions daily and nothing is really changing.

Last Sunday Megs asked to go down to the beach for ice-cream.  Standing in the ice-cream shop I kept wondering about how this was going to work.  Am I honestly never ever going to be able to enjoy something as basic as an ice-cream with my daughter again?

Today we went to Rocco's after church and I had the same thought.  Megs had a milkshake and we had coffee.  The milkshake looked delicious but again I thought about how I'll never enjoy it again.  What a thought!  It all seems so boring and final.  Like I'm saying goodbye to an old friend, or an obvious and easy companion.  The abstinence of it leaves an emptiness.  Does that sound a bit dramatic?  Maybe it is - but it's real.  

Apart from missing the sparkle sugar adds to my life - I also realised this past week that in this particularly stressful and challenging time (moving homes and husband getting ready for a year long contract in Egypt), I looong to self medicate with sugar (and wine)!  Eating helps me feel better, for a while at least.  It gives me something to do to distract me temporarily from the difficulties of life.  Obviously I'm not eating 24/7 but it's the times when the heat is on that I miss it.  

It should be clear from the above that I've not had a great week so maybe it's time now to suspend the moaning and complaining.  It's not all been bad.  The knowledge that I've made 17 days without sugar is awesome - seriously.  


An interesting snack recipe I've tried recently is Jessica Sepel's protein balls.  I really liked the sound of them and in theory, they have potential. Jessica makes them with Stevia and darn, that stuff is awful!  Not just that, but her recipe calls for 2-3 teaspoons!!!!  Stevia is super sweet so I decided against 2-3 teaspoons and opted rather for 1 teaspoon.  It was still too much.  I doubled up on all the other ingredients and made a double portion of the mixture but kept only 1 teaspoon of Stevia.  The outcome was disappointing but I attribute that solely to the Stevia.  I will make them again but next time I'll use Xylitol instead of Stevia.  I also came across a banting protein ball recipe while going through my books - I might try those too and report back.  Here is Jessica's recipe below:

A caution I would offer to anyone choosing to give up sugar, is to refrain from ordering complicated dishes when you eat out.  Order simple dishes, not saucy ones.  Andrew and I went to John Dory's on Friday night.  For starters we ordered a chiritzo and calamari pot in a spicy sauce.  It seemed harmless enough but after eating it I just knew it was loaded with sugar.  I started feeling really ill.  Sluggish, thick head, dull headache - just awful.  I woke up the next morning feeling like I'd partied the night before with puffy eyes and a throbbing head.  The only thing I can attribute it to is sugar in the sauce the night before.  It was a fun night, but not that fun.  I'd been off sugar 16 days by then and it sure was an eye-opener.  

What I've learned this week is that in spite of my miserableness about having to spend the rest of my life saying "no", I still believe it's the right thing.  I learned that I believe it's worth it.  Ice creams and milkshakes come and go but a healthy, happy me for my family is worth the temporary discomfort.  I'm pushing through because I believe on the other side of this is a reward that far outstrips any sugar high.  No doubt I'll be miserable some more in the days and weeks to come, but this is for keeps.  It's for a better me and it's for my family.

Onward and Upward

Well I'm entering into Day 12 this morning and these are the changes I've experienced so far:

• no more headaches
• no more insomnia
• no more bloating or feeling over full
• no more temptation to over eat!!!! (biggie)

I'm feeling thirsty a lot and I feel satisfied quicker than I used to - my portion sizes are smaller.

It's somewhat disappointing to not have experienced much difference in the brain fog and lack of focus that were really some of the main reasons for my beginning this journey.  In fact, in the past few days, there have been occasions where I've struggled to articulate and access basic vocab resources.  It almost seemed I had gone a bit backward.  Like my mind had shut down a little.  Also, I am still having bouts of tiredness (another big reason I quit sugar) but these seem to be less debilitating and also seem to pass more quickly.  I've had some episodes of the low blood sugar feeling, almost like being light headed.  I'm having it right now - causes me to want to lie down and snooze.

All in all it's not as tough as I thought it would be.  My cravings settled in the second week and I could just focus on finding basic recipes to add to my "new norm" repertoire.    I'm in better shape than I was 2 weeks ago so this is motivating.  I look forward to many changes in the weeks to come.

I am finding the challenge of reinventing my daily meals (and those of my family) very real.  The commitment to not make bread our go to, particularly for lunches, takes some doing.  It's not impossible however, the internet is marvellous for assistance here and also these 2 books have become like sacred texts in our home.  They both have some fabulous and easy to prepare meal options so I'm trawling their pages constantly. 

I wouldn't necessary call myself a Banter but there is a lot about this way of eating that appeals to me.  With so many food dos and don'ts these days, it becomes a full-time job to learn what you should and shouldn't.  I'm not a "foodie".  I don't have the time or the inclination to make my life about food, but I do want to eat well.  I want to put into my body what it needs to thrive.  The Banting way, in principle, works for me, although I'm  not as strict on fruit and root vegetables.  

The point of this exercise for me is to implement long term, sustainable changes that are easy to manage and become my new norm, without too much fuss.  One of the recipes I tried this week is a nut granola.  The recipe is in the Sugar Free book but I also Googled a couple of others and combined all 3 to make mine.  It's quite delicious and so a real winner.

I combined a variety of nuts and seeds, like almonds, almond flakes, macadamia, walnuts, coconut shavings, xylitol (only 1 teaspoon) and mixed seeds (sunflower, linseed, sesame and pumpkin).  

I fried up cinnamon, nutmeg and ginger in coconut oil and then added the nut mix.  I fried it all together few minutes before putting it into the oven to roast for about 15 minutes, using an egg lifter to turn it over every 5 minutes or so.  

The result was delicious and I enjoyed it on a serving of Greek yoghurt with a few cranberries added.  Just a few though because they were super sweet - next time I'll have it with half an apple instead.  I've put it into a airtight container and it will definitely be one of my favourite recipes.

Try it and let me know what you think x

Must sleep. All day.

Day 6

I woke up this morning at 02:30am.  Wide awake and unable to go back to sleep, I got up and came downstairs.  I made myself a cup of green tea (I would have preferred a cup of ceylon tea with a teaspoon sugar) and settled down to watch this video.  What a sobering moment for me.  As I was watching I realised that, before I quit, I was probably very close to some kind of sugar related disease, such as Non Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease, Type 2 Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, Heart Disease - sugar is also linked to Cancer!  I don't think I could have maintained eating the way I was without some severe consequences.  I was/am already experiencing consequences, such as Adrenal Burnout a few years back and my current battle with these withdrawals, but things sure could have been a lot worse.  I am so grateful they're not.

I had such a horrible day on Sunday (Day 5).  After church we went for coffee and then came home and although I have loads of packing to do for our move, I just couldn't get together the energy to do anything.  I lay outside in the sun (delicious on a winter's day) and slept for a while and then came inside and did the same.  I felt exhausted.  I decided to eat a mandarin (similar to a naartjie), thinking the bit of natural sugar would pick me up a bit - and boy did it!  I felt so much better.  It's not ideal, I know.  I am trying to cut out most fruits for now too (I'll have berries in a smoothie), but I felt quite desperate.  It was very telling to feel the difference after ingesting that bit of natural sugar.

Although fruit contains Fructose which is globally being seen as the enemy of good health (sugar, or Sucrose is made up of 50% Fructose and 50% Glucose), the fiber content of fruit changes how your body deals with the sugars.  So although there are many experts who are suggesting avoiding fruit completely in an effort to regulate blood sugar levels and lose weight, I feel more moderate about it.  I will continue to enjoy one or two pieces of fruit a day.  Maybe not initially while I'm doing this detox but certainly in the future.

Day 7 - 8

I woke up feeling very good this morning and staying that way all day.  Really full of energy and buoyant.  I headed off to gym in the morning after dropping Megs at school and imagine my surprise and delight when I hopped on the scale at gym and discovered this.

I have lost an entire kg in just 1 week just through cutting out sugar and alcohol!  I need to point out that I have been eating really well (by well I mean a lot).  Losing a kg in 1 week is not that hard for me (I lose weight quickly AND pick it up quickly) when I drastically cut down on my calorie intake, which is what I've done in the past in my efforts to lose weight.  However, now I'm focussing on my health but cutting out sugar, alcohol and junk and the weight came off without effort and without it being my focus.  I ate plenty good fats like olive oil, nuts, coconut oil, greek yoghurt etc as well as generous lashing of butter on my bread and to cook my eggs in.  I am quite amazed.

So I found this recipe for bread which I wanted to share.  It's called "Life Changing Bread".  Quite a lofty claim for a loaf of bread and so I was thoroughly intrigued and had to give it a go.  It contains only nuts, seeds, psyllium husks and rolled oats.  The recipe calls for you to leave all the ingredients intact but with the option of grinding it to make the ingredients more of a flour consistency.  I chose to do that, thinking my daughter would be more likely to eat it.  She wasn't.  Andrew and I are enjoying it although it didn't seem to cook properly in the middle.  It remained a bit moist but this can easily be fixed by toasting it.  It is delicious toasted.  I'll try it again, next time leaving the ingredients intact, but I don't think it's a practical "family" option.  It does freeze well so in future I'll slice it and freeze individual slices, using them as I need.  Here is the recipe below.

Life Changing Loaf of Bread

I'll keep searching for the family loaf that will suit our entire family so watch this space.  

Day 8 brought with it a severe energy dip this morning.  I am struggling to get going and feel thoroughly exhausted.  I am disappointed since yesterday was such a good day.  On the upside, I am sleeping way better than I did for the first few days.  I'm sleeping through the night and without my alarm, I'm waking just after 05:00.  That's a good time for me. 

I have lots to do today so I need to find a pick-me-up or I'll just have to suffer through.  I'll let you know how I get on.

It's a Dull Existence without Sugar

Days 2 - 5

Because of how busy we've been getting ready for our move in 2 weeks, I haven't been to gym for 3 days - although I don't even know if I would have the energy to go.  I feel so tired - all the time.  I'm in bed early at night, feeling exhausted, and yet, awake at 4:30 - still feeling tired but just unable to sleep.

I've also been experiencing some headaches and mild nausea with a fair amount of irritability.  I'm so grateful my family are on this journey with me.  Yesterday Megs rebuked me for for being snappy with her and said, "I know you want sugar, but that's not nice!"  Gotta love her.

See Withdrawal Side Effects

More Withdrawal Side Effects

I read (see the facts below) that to work out the number of teaspoons of sugar in something you should divide the number of grams by 4.  

By that calculation, the Woollies seed loaf we eat has 1 teaspoon of sugar per slice!  Seriously?  

Our healthy alternative seed bread is not even free of sugar.  Am I taking it too far?  That would be in keeping with my personality - an all or nothing type of addictive nature.  It works for me sometimes but not always.  I'm going to choose to believe it's working for me this time.  From what I can tell, there is nothing good about sugar (except what makes it bad) so I'm going to be ruthless.  

I might have to start baking my own bread, either using a sugar alternative like stevia or xylitol or even just omitting it completely.  Not that I eat much bread mind you, only a slice a day.  I enjoy a slice of toast with my egg and bacon in the morning.  But I enjoy it very much so it's worth it for me to find a long term solution.  

Now I have a confession to make - I suck in the kitchen.  It's not that I can't bake and cook, it's just that I'm not intuitive.  I can't put things together creatively or whip something up from nothing. I have a friend, Minette, who's a miracle in the kitchen.  Seriously, present her with an "empty" fridge and grocery cupboard and she'll create something delicious to eat.  Every time.  No jokes.  Some people just have that gift.  I don't.  For me, it takes planning and forethought.  And for someone who's not so hot at planning either, the whole cooking thing becomes a problem.  So maybe you're starting to see how much I am in need of a new norm.  I have a few VERY basic dishes I prepare often for the family and other times we just wing it or eat takeout.  In South Africa cooking is part of life.  Families here are kitchen families and we all cook - some of us better than others.  Obviously, it's time to make some changes.  Plan weekly menus and while I'm at it, I think I'll find a bread recipe that is really wholesome and sugar free to bake for our family each week.  I'll keep you posted.

Although I've had some sugar cravings (usually at night), what's surprised me the most, is my craving for junk food - Burger King specifically.  I didn't see that coming!

Also, we had our first dinner party since I've started my detox (and probably the last for a while because we're packing to move so our place is a bit chaotic) and I drank water the whole night instead of red wine which I would always normally have.  I faithfully sipped on my water all night while most everyone else drank wine.  I found that quite tough because of habit.  One of our favourite things to do is sip on a glass of wine while preparing dinner.  I caught myself thinking about that a couple of times during cooking.  I sure did miss my red wine.

Having said that, I'm convinced I would never make it through this if I continued to enjoy wine while coming off sugar.  A glass or 2 of wine and I would probably throw in the sugar towel.  This journey really is sapping deep into my self control resources.

I'm about to start Day 5 of my "goodbye sugar" journey.  I don't feel great, but I'm believing that soon I will.

Sugar Sugar

By the age of 18 I was already well entrenched in the eating disorder mindset of perfect appearance/body, obsessing about what I put in my mouth (since everything else in my life seemed out of my control, this was something I could control), deception and cover ups and many of the other unappealing and shameful attributes of a Bulimic.  

At age 23, after a disastrous drug dropping year in London, I hightailed it back home to Cape Town.  I knew I was in big trouble.  I was using drugs every day and binging and purging each day before I got high.  Heading home, back to Cape Town, was my way of saying, "enough! - I need help".  At home I continued with my long time use of diet pills as a way to not eat.  However, at this point, not even those stopped me from the mad cycle.  God, in his grace, arranged my circumstances so that I could live in the home of a wonderful Christian family who took me in for a number of years.  And and so began my 19 year long journey of recovery.  

Today I am 42 and although I am (obviously) not the same person I was back then (I haven't binged to purge for many years and my self image is healed),  I am still living with the tail end of the disease in the form of a severe sugar addiction.  I am controlled by my desire for sugar.  I therefore live under the constant side effects of consistent sugar intake, such as a foggy mind, fatigue, forgetfulness and what I like to call "being boxed in".  Being boxed in, is the feeling of physical and mental limitations which is the effect of consistent sugar intake on my body and mind.  It limits my thinking and my dreaming for the future.  It limits my abilities and my desires.  It impacts my self confidence.  It basically boxes me in and keeps me from really living.  It makes my days about managing my fatigue, the fatigue robs me of confidence which leads to under performance.  Sugar also breaks down my self-control with other foods.  When I've had sugar, I want starch - and so on, and so on.

About 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Adrenal Burnout.  Sugar was a big no no after that and you would think I would get it together and give it up.  If only it were that easy.  I have tried to come off sugar many times but my efforts have always ended in failure hard!  I've given up drugs and cigarettes and let me tell you, this one's worse.  

And so here I am, having just embarked upon a 1 month detox of sugar and alcohol.  I was inspired by this video below of a Dutch guy who gives up sugar and alcohol for a month.  I marvelled at how effective this video was at inspiring me to make changes and do better.  This guy isn't coming from the perspective of someone for whom sugar or overeating is a problem, but his video inspired me anyway.  I would be delighted if this blog gave some women out there (even just 1) who struggles the way I do, the strength and motivation to make the same changes - to change her norm. 

My dysfunctional affair with sugar is affecting most areas of my life.  Because sugar leads to over eating on other foods, my marriage and career are being impacted too.  If you think I'm being a little dramatic here, you speak to women who have eaten too much and so feel unattractive and avoid the advances of their husbands.  Speak to women who feel too fatigued to have a little fun with their kids or too unattractive to hop in the pool for a cool off in summer.  For me, the crash I get after enjoying my sugar high effects the way I think and my belief in my abilities to perform in my job and most other challenges.  I need to break free from this box - I need a new norm.

How inspired I was by this lady - Soozi Dinnie.  Take a listen to her testimony and then tell me it's too hard to give up sugar and take back my life.  I love what she says:  THIS IS MY NEW NORM - deal with it. 

Soozi's Story

This problem of mine seems so insignificant when I listen to Soozi's story.  Now that's a problem - in comparison, my little sugar addiction seems silly.  But you know what?  I almost feel I owe it to people like Soozi to do the things I know I need to do, without any more excuses.  If she can face her life with the determination and positive attitude she has, then darnit! - I can suffer through the temporary discomfort of detoxing from sugar and make a new "no sugar" norm for myself.  

So yesterday was Day 1 for me.  Much of the day I was in denial.  I kept thinking - what the heck are you doing?  Just stop it!  I felt almost panicked and I knew that if I was going to make a success of this, I needed to be accountable.  I met with my husband and daughter to tell them what I had planned.  My daughter rolled her eyes and my husband encouraged me to write a blog.  "It's harder to quit something when people are following you", - wise words from my supportive husband.  Today I sent out a WhatsApp to friends and family informing them of my choice.  At least now when we're together they can help keep an eye on me!  I'm not too proud to admit I need as many eyes on me as possible.

Another obvious side effect of too much sugar, is the inevitable weight gain.  When Andrew and I married in 2009, I weighed 64 happy kgs.  

It's a nice weight for me.  I liked it - I was content.  Yesterday, I went back to gym for the first time in too long, and in the spirit of full disclosure, just have a look at what I discovered...

The great thing about having my emotions and self image healed over the years is that this extra weight doesn't control me.  20 years ago I would probably not leave the house and avoid seeing any people.  Today, it's just a few extra kgs.